THE BEST OF KUP

Kup's daily outpouring of good yarns sometimes goes by so fastthat we miss a few. While the veteran columnist is vacationing, theChicago Sun-Times is reprinting some vintage work. Here are someKupcinisms that time has not dimmed.

RRep. Sid Yates (D-Ill.) tells this one about Mrs. ChesterBowles, wife of the former ambassador to India: "Mrs. Bowles summonedan electrician to repair a wiring defect in the home they wereoccupying in New Delhi. When the electrician failed to fix thewiring after an hour of trying, she became exasperated and exclaimed,"It's a simple job - all you have to do is use common sense!" TheIndian drew himself up haughtily and replied: "Madam, common sense isthe gift of the gods. All I have is technical training."

QUOTE AND UNQUOTE from Richard Burton in Playgirl mag, toexplain his split from Liz Taylor: "Elizabeth just doesn't understandthat I've reached menopause."

ABBA S. EBAN, Israeli ambassador to the United States, attendeda meeting in New York the other day, after which he departed wearinga hat that felt uneasy. A glance at the initials explained thehatcheck girl's mistake. Instead of "A.S.E.," she had given him onewith the letters "A.E.S.," which belonged to (former Illinoisgovernor) Adlai E. Stevenson, who had attended the same meeting. "Iwasn't sure," quipped Eban, "whether the hat was too small - or myhead got too big, knowing whose hat was on it."

ONE OF SAM LEVINSON'S pet comedy subjects is the fast-talkingwaiters at Lindy's in New York. He visited there recently andordered a chicken sandwich. "Sorry, no chicken," he was told. "Thenhow about a turkey sandwich?" The waiter snapped, "If we had turkey,I could give you a chicken sandwich."

ANOTHER LEVINSON yarn concerns the gent who started drinking at8 p.m. every day. By midnight he was feeling "superb" - no pain -and went to sleep with a smile on his face. Invariably he awoke at 7a.m. with a horrendous hangover. His head was a clump of aches. "Igo to bed feeling fine and wake up feeling miserable," herationalized. "It must be those seven hours of sleep that are killingme!"

THE YUGOSLAV NATIONAL Folk Ballet, terpsichoring at the OperaHouse this weekend, fortunately arranged for pronunciations of itsnationalistic dances in the program book. To wit: "Grbac"(pronounced Grbach) and "Krstack" (pronounced Krstachka). Riiight!

JACK-EEE! Leonard, at his Mister Kelly's opening, introducedyoung comedian Dick Cavett, who had just closed there, as "one of anew breed - a comedian from Yale." And, added the irrepressibleLeonard, "Rudy Vallee also went to Yale - but so long ago that it wasonly a high school then!"

MORTICIAN Jules Furth and his wife are burying their marriage.

BOB HOPE TELLS about the time he received a call from a man inAtlanta, telling him he had been selected "man of the year." Thecaller told Hope how proud Atlanta was to bestow this honor on himand would he please be in Atlanta on May 17 to receive the award."I'm elated by this honor," replied Hope, "but unfortunately I'mmaking a movie, and I can't possibly be there on May 17." There was asilence on the other end of the phone for a few seconds before thecaller inquired, "Say, do you happen to have Red Skelton's phonenumber?" . . . Here's Old Ski Nose's reminder for income-tax day: "Uncle Sam now gives you threechoices of forms - the short form, the long form and the 10-yearstretch!"

THIS STORY is making the rounds in Paris: President Charles deGaulle's wife visited the Louvre, after which she returned home andtold Magnificent Charles, "That's how I'd like to live, surrounded byMichelangelo, Rubens, Gainsborough, Van Gogh, da Vinci and all theother masters." De Gaulle stiffened to his full height and thenharumphed, "My dear, with all my other responsibilities in reshapingthe world, I have no time to take up painting!"

DIRECTOR BILLY WILDER, in town to herald his latest, "TheFortune Cookie," is one of Hollywood's prime wits. And his target isoften his longtime friend and fellow moviemaker, Otto Preminger.Wilder tells about the time Preminger was producing, directing andacting in one of his movies. When it came time for actor Premingerto play his scene, director Preminger set the camera, checked thelights and then did his emoting. When he finished, Otto exclaimed,"That was great! Print it." It was while Wilder was directing HerrOtto in "Stalag 17" that he got off this classic: Preminger blew hislines a few times, and Wilder was asked why he didn't bawl out Otto."I don't dare," replied Billy. "I've still got relatives in Germany."

AND JERRY STONE, as chairman of the Roosevelt U. dinner in theGuildhall the other eve, told of the student who was summoned by hisdean because of his poor grades - four F's and one D. "How do youexplain this?" asked the dean. "It seems," replied the student, "I'vebeen concentrating too much on one subject."